I hit my teeth on the glass as I wrench the remaining liquid down my throat. It’s duller than it was last time, but still I can feel it: That burn. That familiar comforting burn that anaesthetises and yet enhances everything. That beat is throbbing in the pit of my stomach. It’s so perfect, so perfectly in time, so bloody constant. I use the beat to walk to. Step. Boom. Step. Boom. But the lyrics. I can’t make out the words. Step. Boom. What are they saying? Where am I going?
The bar. That burn. Boom. Boom. What do I want? I don’t really mind, I just want that numbness to focus on. To forget. I mumble something. Did I say the right thing? Apparently so, since the figure in front of me disappears. Boom. It looks like him, same cruel eyes, same curls, same lazy stance and sultry look. Boom. Yeah, it looks like him. A bit. No. Nothing at all like him really, not now he’s back. Why did I think that? I tap my card and nod my acknowledgement at the blur. I won’t remember his face tomorrow. Boom. Step. Or even in a few minutes. I clamber past bodies, drink in hand. There’s a dampness to my sleeve but it can’t have been me. Boom. Boom. Step. Step. Where have they gone? Everyone I know. Where are they? I twist my neck to look. The bodies, th
ey mash and mould together, forming fluorescent shadows and beautiful blurs. Unrecognisable. Boom. I can’t find them. Boom. My glass is still upstanding on the table. Proof that I’m okay. The liquid on the surface ever moving to the vibrating room. Boom. Boom. This song. Boom. Boom. I like this song.
I move to get up extra cautiously. I don’t want them to know. I don’t want them to be able to tell. Boom. Boom. I lift the glass and throw it back once again. So cold - the ice numbs my lips. But it’s so comfortingly warm as it sears my throat. Boom. Step. Boom. Step. I think I’ve danced to this song before. Boom. Boom. Probably with him. I remember laughing. I didn’t care about my ridiculous cackle, my mouth. It had hurt. Oh how it had ached from excessive smiling. Boom. Boom. Boom. Its numb now as I sip again, making my way towards the thrashing bodies. The colours. So many beautiful colours flitting backwards and forwards among the familiar darkness in my eyes. A kaleidoscope. The colours. It’s everything and yet it’s nothing. I can just see the colours, just hear the song louder and louder. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. I can feel everything but I don’t know anything that matters in this euphoria. This euphoria. This perfect moment in which I can’t feel a damn thing that hurts me. Boom. Boom. This perpetual bliss. I feel so alone. So alone.