University life can be busy and hectic, and when the swarm of seagulls surround the library, prowling and scavenging for the warm and tender steak bake that you bought from essentials for a not too shabby £1.75, it can be easy to forget that you’re better than a seagull. If you’re feeling worse after having your food or drink swooped, here are five mental exercises you can use to affirm your dominance over these savage beasts.
1. Flex your chest, take a deep breath, and say to yourself: “Seagulls lacks thumbs, putting them at an absolute disadvantage compared to me”. Perhaps you’re feeling insecure that the seagulls have large, jarring beaks than can rip open a smoked ham and cheddar cheese sandwich from your defenceless hands, whereas your mouth pales in comparison. Although your mouth may be more feeble than a seagull’s, this exercise will remind you that you have hands, which are capable of performing difficult tasks like opening a can of coke or using a toothbrush. A seagull could never do those things!
2. Stand on your tiptoes and concentrate on how much taller you are than a seagull. Even the heftiest seagull in the world cannot come close to your height. You are prodigious in size compared to seagulls, towering over every avian in the world, and that is something worth being proud about.
3. Examine your human skin and meditate on how it’s just as good as a Seagull’s feathery skin. Your skin is neither better nor worse than a seagull’s skin, so you shouldn’t feel inferior just because you aren’t covered in white feathers. Whether your skin is white and full of feathers, or not, it is irrelevant. Humans and seagulls are equal when it comes to skin; this realization should enable you to free you from stressing about how your skin measures up to a seagull’s and, instead, allow you to instead focus on ways in which you are superior over seagulls.
4. Take a soothing shower and open your wallet to count your money and cards, items which a seagull will never own. Seagulls live very impoverished lives, but you have money and credit cards. Compared to a seagull in monetary terms, you are like a fantastically wealthy monarch. Even if you are ocean’s deep in student debt, you still have the respect of financial organizations, who value you enough as a human that is capable of making payments. Santander or Barclays would never loan money to a seagull under any circumstances – That’s a simple truth that should bring solace to a non-seagull such as yourself.
5. Confront the seagull. Sometimes, you have to take a direct approach to know you’re better than seagulls. If this is what you need, take a stroll towards the Templeman Library and make eye contact with a seagull. As your gazes lock, do not break eye contact and allow yourself a silent moment of ponderous contemplation. When you’re done, you’ll realise that you’re better than seagulls, and it’ll seem as though the seagull understands that you’re superior to it too.
Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.