Canterbury pubs and bars have been issued by a warning by the local authorities that Bud Light is not fit for consumption under any circumstances and should be removed immediately.
The stereotypical university lifestyle has led to complaints from students at the University of Kent that the serving of so-called beer, Bud Light, has ruined their taste buds and that the beverage has the same alcoholic content as water.
The warning will apply to all Canterbury bars until at least the end of the academic year, at which point they can serve the local population whatever shit they want.
With the Six Nations also ongoing, pubs have also been reminded that if they are not serving Guinness, they are to be temporarily shut for being a “misleading public menace”. Cans of Guinness that are put in a “surger” machine to get a head also apply, and should be avoided at all costs.
One undisclosed pub in the Canterbury area reportedly refused the authorities’ requests and was consequently issued a licence to only serve peasants from CCCU.
When InQuire asked the pub in question if this had affected business, the landlord stated that: “Yes it has, but not as I anticipated. You’d be surprised how many unfortunate souls who actively enjoy destroying their sense of taste. I think their sadomasochists really.”
If you have been the victim of tasting Bud Light, the council have issued a step-by-step guide to help you recover:
Immediately stop consuming the drink. Whilst your natural body’s reaction will be disgust, with symptoms of face pulling and nausea, you can at least save your taste buds from falling off entirely.
Make your way to the toilet to relieve yourself. The poison is in your system and you need to eradicate it ASAP.
Tell your friend who bought that round that you will get your revenge. They have been a twat and they need to know it.
Order another drink. It can be anything, a larger, an ale (pretentious git), a cocktail, literally anything else. Just not Bud Light.
Don’t ask for a refund. It only cost £2.55 anyway, and now you know why.
Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.