Walking from Darwin to Parkwood is “good exercise” says complete moron

March 15, 2019

 

A male student who claims that walking between Darwin to Parkwood on campus as “good exercise” has been hereby labelled by his peers as a complete and utter moron.

 

Mr Geoffrey Cuddlefish, an idiotic first year student, made the outlandish claim last Thursday whilst on his way back from Origins (in Darwin) to his house in Parkwood and has since had to defend his position.

 

“I don’t think it’s that great of a distance between the two places, and I think poor snowflakes who are scared of the distance are missing out. I mean, the lecture theatres here are something else.”

 

“We as university students should be encouraged to exercise and remove the stigma that we are lazy and unproductive” *Geoff said whilst eating pizza and riding a Segway*

 

Despite Geoffrey’s statement, the estimated distance between the two locations is around the same between the earth and the moon, and thus the university advises any travellers wanting to make the trip to instead get a bus, taxi or rocket ship.

 

The route from Parkwood to Darwin is also infamously known for the dangers that one can come across, as the snaking route out of Parkwood can lead to attacks from squirrels that think they're better than you (stand your ground, you two-legged majesty!) and falling leaves.

 

Once you have escaped Parkwood, the path brings you to the Sports Centre, where the smell of sweat and ego from passers-by can overwhelm even the most hardened of individuals. This is somehow made worse by the next road crossing, where you’ll nearly get run over by that taxi “WHO WON’T STOP ON A RED, YOU *******!”

 

After this so far terrifying experience, you pull up besides Templeman library, where you pass every snob that has their life sorted. You know the ones, the people that have their reading done, already, complete with their library café coffee and SU shop meal deal.
That person your parents think you are.
You disappointment.

 

As of this week, the university has proposed building a miniature steam train that would run through campus to help students attend lectures and seminars on time, although the threat of the train being hijacked by seagulls is still a hazardous possibility.

 

Despite the proposal, Kent Union have also issued a warning to make the trip only if necessary or go to Woody’s or Origins, in which case you have to make the return journey drunk in an attempt to forget the length of the journey.

 

 

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

 

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First published in 1965, InQuire is the University of Kent student newspaper.

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