Why every Sport is pointless

March 18, 2019

The final edition of why *Insert Sport* is pointless of the term is here. This will also be the penultimate instalment of this series, and as it has been able to annoy quite so many people, I would like to take this chance to annoy many more. Unfortunately, I do not care about a lot of sports enough for them to get an article of their own, so I am going to slag off many sports at once. The sports are in no particular order, just the order in which I thought of them. If your favourite sport does not make the list, then feel free to tell me and I shall tell you what is wrong with it. Or potentially do a follow-up if there are enough sports to make it worthwhile. I will respond to everyone unless you are asking about the following sports: basketball (I don’t watch it, but have no real problem with it and slam dunking, even in the very low hoops that I need to use to be able to do it, is a lot of fun), table tennis (I love table tennis), and football (that will be the final article). Before I get to triggering you all, I would like to address a constant criticism of this series and myself, one which really annoys me because of how ignorant it is, so please stop saying it. That being that, if I don’t like any sports, then why do I write for the sports section? First, what other section would these articles go in? Second, take more than a second of your time to look through the vast catalogue of proper sports articles that I have written, which I incidentally prefer to write. These are just a fun aside for me to practice joke writing and it is only because of people like you that there has ever been more than one of these. Anyway, to the reason you’re all here.

 

Hockey

It is basically just football with sticks, go and play the real thing.

 

Tennis

Brief moments of excitement and fun that is padded by several hours of monotony in which very little of notes happens. Probably best just to be a highlight reel.

 

Volleyball

A great activity for when you’re on holiday and are a bit weird, but no need to take it any more seriously than that.

 

Baseball (or should I say rounders?)

Similar to volleyball really, it is great fun once or twice a term in a PE lesson. The popularity of baseball is frankly ludicrous and proof that letting the 13 colonies slip may have been a mistake.

 

Golf

The most bizarre thing about football is the players obsession with playing golf in their spare time. It is boredom personified and was comfortably the worst game on Wii Sports.

 

Athletics

Ooh look at me I can run fast, or I can throw things far, do something more productive. The Olympics is the most bizarre event in the world in which people suddenly become experts in things they haven’t watched for 4 years, it merely serves to liven up morning TV.

 

Martial Arts

Forgive me if I’m wrong but weapons have been invented for quite a while so there is minimal practical application. Other than that, it is people watching assault, which is pretty weird when you think about it.

 

Ice Hockey

Football with sticks on ice is a stupid idea.

 

Badminton

See tennis but add slower to the equation.

 

Swimming

People live on land for a reason.

 

Snooker

Pool is the superior form and anything that is played most often played in a bar should not be considered a sport. That goes for you, darts.

 

Handball

It is basically just football but with your hands, go and play the real thing.

 

Horse Racing

A conspiracy created by the betting industry to make more money.

 

Cycling

A sport almost entirely done at the amateur level by middle aged men who want an excuse to be away from their wives at the weekend. The impression I get is that cyclists merely want to have a piece of cake at a café and are too embarrassed to say.

 

Lacrosse

I have literally never seen anyone play or even mention lacrosse before coming to this university in September, and that is saying something, because I went to private school. The surprising popularity here has really thrown me, and it still confuses me how it always seems to be going on whenever I go to the sports pavilion. I would recommend finding a sport people have heard of.

 

Women’s football

My opinion on this is almost ineffable, the best description I can muster is that I have never watched a game without being immensely frustrated at how slow the tempo of the game is and how everything just seems to lack the intensity that makes me love football. Every major tournament I think that this will be the time that I start enjoying it, and ninety minutes later I realise that it won’t be.

 

Cheerleading

Not a sport, more of a confusing American custom to make up for how poor their supporters are when compared to their counterparts elsewhere.

 

Curling

What is actually going on? With that said, it is still Britain’s favourite sport.

 

Dodgeball

As good as the film is, anyone whose parents didn’t love them enough and sent them to holiday camps as a child knows how boring it gets by the end of the week. I speak from experience.

 

Fishing

I hate you, Luke Norris.

 

Kayaking

I have never hated anything more than doing kayaking as a part of Activities Week (not sure what other schools call it), it is just unbelievably boring and seems to last weeks, then you turn around and realise you have travelled twenty feet.

 

Squash

As far as I can work out, it is the equivalent of when you turn up one half of a table tennis table to play against yourself, but with normal tennis and two people. Just play tennis.

 

Skiing, snowboarding, ect

Not a sport, just a conspiracy made up by Switzerland to boost their economy.

 

Ultimate frisbee

Not a sport, just an excuse for people who are trying to be edgy to get some fresh air.

 

Netball

An entire sport made out of when a 5-a-side football league has needlessly restrictive rules. As much as it pains me to admit it, America made the right call in changing it to make basketball.

 

Pole Fitness

Please don’t bring the good name of burlesque entertainment into disrepute. Not everything has to be a sport, and that is ok, but don’t try and tell me it is anything more than it ever has been just because you added ‘fitness’ into the name. I am not fooled.

 

eSports

Another great example of people trying to categorize things as sports, that just aren’t. Much like chess, it is something that takes exceptional concentration and skill. But we all know deep down that it is not a sport. It just doesn’t have the physical aspect that I think should be there for it to be called a sport.

 

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