Keynes- Accommodation Review

After powering through several refreshes and straining your eyes with that archaic website design, the Kent Accommodation site loads with various options and Keynes presents itself: a seductive en-suite and non-jail like rooms unlike Eliot and Rutherford, the proximity to main campus unlike Park Wood(I think it’s high time there’s a separate government for that province), and the fact that it isn’t Darwin, all impress you. You make it your first choice. What’s in store now?

There are three parts to Keynes College, some of which are closer to the laundry than others. The first set of accommodation in Keynes consists of flats that are smaller rooms, are £100 more expensive, and have the audacity to call a ridiculously small room with a microwave in it, a kitchen. The flats are an entire floor long, consisting of 13-14 rooms, with the residents partying once every week, ensuring that their music reaches your room at the highest volume possible. The lack of sound-proof walls is compensated by the modern decor of the room - it is optimal for a person, with the bed being of a decent size, the storage space being perfect for somebody who lives a regular life, and the one-person exclusive bathroom that reminds you of a Boeing Economy Class airplane loo. As this section is part catered, you get food from Dolche Vita twice a day. The name of the ‘restaurant’ translates to ‘Sweet Life’ in Italian. It is said that there was once flavor in their food, but that it faded over time. As I said before, the room is still good enough to compensate for the food. The second part of the Keynes College accommodation is self-catered, with bigger kitchens, bigger beds, and bigger bathrooms. Did I mention that it is also £100 cheaper? There is also a third part to Keynes, the Keynes Houses, which is a bit secluded, and many people don’t know about it, but it is also a good place to live. Consider it like a flat, but in a house layout.

The greatest advantage of Keynes is the room and its location on campus, which is about a 5-minute walk. I remember once waking up at 8:55am and reaching a lecture at 9:01am. I will not talk about how I was looking, because it’s beside the point. There are arguments made that Eliot is closer to campus, and it’s true, if you do not get lost in that maze. I think I felt myself age there once.

Verdict: Keynes, despite its flaws, is one of the best student accommodations on Campus. It’s not as far as Park Wood, it’s not as reminiscent of TV Series ‘Prison Break’ as Rutherford and Eliot are, and it completely isn’t Darwin - a major plus point. With good rooms, reasonable prices and a very good deal for Self-Catered accommodation, it is the place you want to be. Unless you get a room in Turing, in which case, take Turing.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.