Far too much of the student newspaper is controlled by snowflake lefties and remoaners complaining about their safe space or lack thereof. I, Barry Smith, shall embark on a one-man mission to restore the status quo and invoke the glory of Britannia, to show the people the error of their PC ways. Or, just write a weekly column on the news and what I think about it.
Those liberal cucks at the Supreme Court are back it and trying to keep our anchor stuck in that socialist wasteland on mainland Europe. Our lord and saviour, the second coming of Jesus Christ himself, Boris Johnson, had nobly taken it upon himself to take us to the promised land and was willing to take any action necessary to stop the parasitic EU from bleeding us dry to help some Syrians I’ve never met. But some judges who have never even been in parliament, are trying to tell the prophet Johnson what he can and can’t do. Thus, the devil’s spawn, better known as Jeremy Corbyn, is back to try and defy Boris. F*** *** WE VOTED LEAVE.
The true Captain America, Donald Trump, has continued to hold the libtard’s in Obama’s administration and the Democrats accountable for the many many crimes they have committed. Joe Biden has been found out for corrupting justice for his son in Ukraine, and as usual Trump has found out and outed him for this horrific crime. He is the president, and in my book, he can do what he likes with his influence. If you don’t like that then get in the bin. There is no corruption with Trump, but as is being proven, Obama was a crook. Where was he on 911?
Elsewhere, airline Thomas Cook has collapsed leading to many people being stranded and needing to rebook their flights at great cost. If anyone is wondering what old Barry thinks about this situation, and if you are reading this then you probably do, then I have zero sympathy. The beauty of capitalism is that it is a dog eat dog world, and that is the way I like to live. If Thomas Cook was a good enough company, then this would have not happened, there are no prizes for last place in a Barry Smith world, let those fat kids on sports day cry. If those people who are stranded had worked harder, they wouldn’t have had to book with such a dodgy airline.
Former Spanish leader, General Franco, is set to be removed from the Valley of the Fallen, the Spanish memorial to the Civil War. Yet another instance where the supreme court are sticking their nose in where it isn’t wanted. They have backed their shill government to remove the best thing that has ever happened to Spain from his rightful place as a venerated war hero. Can’t these lefties just keep their political agendas out of anything? Respect the dead and leave the man in peace. I might have to rethink my yearly holiday to Magaluf.
In news that nobody should have needed to be told, the National Crime Agency found that Leave. EU and Arron Banks committed no crime in the Brexit campaign. Vindication.
Update on the Falklands and Gibraltar: they remain ours.
Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.