Far too much of the student newspaper is controlled by snowflake lefties and remoaners complaining about their safe space or lack thereof. I, Barry Smith, shall embark on a one-man mission to restore the status quo and invoke the glory of Britannia, to show the people the error of their PC ways. Or, just write a weekly column on the news and what I think about it.
The leader of the Liberal Democrats (who knew they still existed) has said that Jeremy Corbyn must step aside to get a better chance of defeating Boris Johnson. My reaction, what could that possibly do? Whilst I believe that Corbyn is a signal that the end is nigh, I firmly believe that this is just the Lib Dems trying to be in the news. Corbyn or no Corbyn, nobody can defeat King Boris. The fact that this is in the news is frankly laughable, a clear anti-right bias in the media for even entertaining the fact that the people want anything other than a hard Brexit and a Johnson premiership. BBC News are woefully out-of-touch with the wills of the people.
Boris the Traitor. Forget everything I just said, that pudgy-faced rat has sold us all out. Government papers submitted to a Scottish court have said that if no deal is agreed by 19th October, then Judas Johnson is going to ask the EU for yet another delay to Brexit. He was the chosen one! It was said that he would destroy the left, not join them! Take us out of the Europe, not leave us in the EU! You were my Prime Minister Boris, I loved you. In summation, he is dead to me and I shall be the one positioning him in the guillotine.
Meghan Markle has been talking about women in South Africa needing more supporting in higher education. Remind me, what did she do before she became Duchess of Sussex? Oh right, an actress. Get back in your box, nobody cares about your opinions on education in South Africa. Just because you are triggered, does not mean that anything is wrong. If they were good enough, they would get into university. South Africa is a famously tolerant place.
We have also just entered Black History Month, much to the adulation of SJWs and white knights everywhere. But when is White History Month? Seems a bit offensive to me. I thought we ended racism in 1807, anyway. So why do we still need one? I think this “equality” stuff is going a bit too far, you’d never hear me complaining about not getting a job because of my skin and I have been rejected by loads of companies.
Update on the Falklands and Gibraltar: they remain ours.
Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.