EP scheme has strong correlation to getting a job, report says

A new report into the future prospects of students at the University of Kent has found that participation in the Employability Points scheme has an almost direct correlation to getting a job once students have graduated from university.

The report suggested that the system has produced great success in preparing students for the world of work by rewarding them for activities that are genuinely appealing to employers. The report said that when asked, many employers said that if they see a candidate has participated in the University of Kent’s Employability Points scheme, they would “promptly put every other application in the bin.”

The report concluded itself with a series of suggestions, chief among these was that, “if you are doing an activity that does not give you any employability points, then you should stop wasting your time with it as it is evidently worthless.” So, if you are reading this, then stop as it will not give you any employability points. How are you ever going to get a job that isn’t as a janitor if you are spending your time reading an amateur online newspaper? Go and attend any old open lecture, even if it bears no relevancy to your course or future career, and log those points immediately to stop your future resembling Bart’s in any episode of “The Simpsons” when they flash forward.

The report also remarked that humanities students were the most likely to get into employment quickly following their departure from university. The employers questioned, who may or may not be nationwide supermarket chains, said that the “transferable skills” that are learned on such a degree are more applicable than simply knowing things like those “dunces”, their words not mine, doing STEM subjects. The report specifically pointed to HI436 Making History: Theory and Practice as a specifically worthwhile module that is both interesting and useful for life beyond university.

As a caveat to the rest of this report, they included a disclaimer that “none of the following applies to students of Turing college.” The explanation for such a statement was, as students who could afford such lofty accommodation fees would surely have a job already waiting for them at “daddy’s firm” and thus would not need to trouble themselves with such meaningless activities that would have no relevancy on their life.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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