Saying it like it is (7th-13th October)

Far too much of the student newspaper is controlled by snowflake lefties and remoaners complaining about their safe space or lack thereof. I, Barry Smith, shall embark on a one-man mission to restore the status quo and invoke the glory of Britannia, to show the people the error of their PC ways. Or, just write a weekly column on the news and what I think about it.

A source from the Prime Minister has said that a Brexit deal was “overwhelmingly unlikely” following a phone call between Johnson and Angela Merkel. I feel very conflicted on this issue. On the one hand I want everything Judas Johnson does to fail so that snake is booted from office as soon as humanly possible. But a deal would help us leave faster and who does Merkel think she is? If it wasn’t for us, they would still have a red flag with a swastika on it and she would never have even been in politics, let alone chancellor. People are so quick to forget.

It is certainly is a time for politicians who are supposed to speak for me that are proving they are no better than the people they oppose. Donald Trump has decided to withdraw troops from north-eastern Syria, a decision much-maligned from all quarters. After running French-style from a war, he then tried to act the big man and threaten the Turkish economy if they attacked Kurdish militias, who had been US allies in Syria. News flash, you orange child, if you are going to leave, leave (that goes for Brexit too) and stop trying to be involved beyond that time.

Home Office minister, Brandon Lewis, has told a German newspaper that EU citizens who do not apply for the right to stay will be deported once we leave the EU. Too bloody right they should be made to leave. The shills at the3million campaign group are complaining that this is “no way to treat people”, but I couldn’t care less. It is a privilege to get to live in this great country and if you cannot be bothered to jump through the necessary hoops then you clearly don’t want it enough. Finally a politician is taking a stand against these pansy lefties, who think that we should all live in a commune and eat grass.

Update on the Falklands and Gibraltar: they remain ours.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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