Saying it like it is (14th-20th October)
Far too much of the student newspaper is controlled by snowflake lefties and remoaners complaining about their safe space or lack thereof. I, Barry Smith, shall embark on a one-man mission to restore the status quo and invoke the glory of Britannia, to show the people the error of their PC ways. Or, just write a weekly column on the news and what I think about it.
In the year’s biggest redemption story and the most dramatic end to something since Sergio Aguero stuck one past Paddy Kenny to win the league, Boris Johnson has only gone and bloody done it. We have a deal and we might finally get to leave. Of course, the fake news media is trying to make out like he failed, and this is not going to pass parliament. But let me tell you something, if this isn’t the deal we leave with, then that is only because these other parties are jealous of Boris’ achievements. King.
This week, me and the lads, you know: Gazza, Wazza, Mazza, and Top Gear, went on a little holiday to Eastern Europe to watch the England boys, as we generally do. There we were grabbing a few jars in the city centre and having a nice singsong, when completely unprovoked the police show up in riot gear. As a little joke we start throwing a few tinnies at them and suddenly I’m spending Friday night in a Czech prison cell, classic continentals really. Wish we had not saved them in World War Two now. Probably going to stop that Czech bloke from painting my house now.
Then, there we were in Sofia and those disgusting Bulgarians start chanting horrible things at our players. Just because you lost 6-0 doesn’t mean you get to do things like that. All these Eastern European are the same, that’s why we need to keep them out of our country before we start doing stuff like that.
Police figures are showing that knife crime has risen by 7% to reach an all-time high. Youngsters these days have no respect. In my day we fought with our fists, unlike these cowardly hoodies that need knives. This is why kids need to be working in a mill or something to learn what the world is really like. Too much molly coddling these days. If you try and start on Barry with a knife, then have a nice time in the hospital.
Update on the Falklands and Gibraltar: they remain ours.
Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.