What not to do in a horror film

Image courtesy of Wix

In a Halloween twist to our “what not to do” series, I shall be imparting my advice of what to do if you are ever in a situation that is akin to that of a horror film. You may be wondering what a university student would do with such information as it is just unlikely that you will be in such a spot, I will refer you to our article from last week when we learnt about the horrors of Hales Place. Also, look at the state of your life, now that is what I call a nightmare. Self-reflection aside, let’s get into the advice portion of this so you can survive in a horror film.

  1. Avoid all classic horror film locations- This may sound slightly obvious, but I feel that it does need to be said. You are very unlikely to encounter a situation straight out of a horror film when you are not somewhere that has been the location of a Scooby-Doo cartoon. This list would generally include anywhere that is abandoned or haunted and then anywhere that is secluded or particularly a graveyard. If there could be a ghost there or you could be attacked there without anyone knowing, then maybe avoid it. I’d probably avoid anywhere that is poorly lit or has flickering lights, as that is asking for trouble. You could probably get away with going places like this during the daytime when it is not raining, psychopath murderers do seem to love pathetic fallacy. Rarely, do these things happen in nice weather.

  1. Don’t go to check on weird noises if they are not near you- If you have followed step one and you are still in a horror film situation, then I sincerely apologize, but at least I tried. I don’t see anyone else trying to stop your life being a horror film, fake friends if you ask me. But back to the present, you hear a scary sound from far off from where you are. You will probably have the urge to check on it, all of the protagonists in these films seem to. Take that urge out back and shoot it. Nothing good can happen by leaving the room you are in. As we are, you are safe and if it isn’t broken, then don’t fix it.

  1. Keep it in your pants- This particular trope is getting on a bit, but I certainly would not chance it, no sense in poking the bear. Frequently people in these scenarios are “getting busy” when the killer emerges and dispatches of them. So, if you do find yourself in a horror story (and you are aware of it at this stage, as this seems to happen early on) then do not by any means succumb to the urge. I know that this can be difficult, but there will be plenty of time for it once you have survived this. Try to pick up some scars or something whilst you are there, chicks dig scars. Bart Simpson got taught that lesson, and I am passing it on to you.

And there you have it, you will now no longer be defeated in a horror film. You will make it to the end game and then out the other side. I think that we all have a preferred method of death, I personally want it to be a political assassination, and this likely does not rank very highly on your list. You can freely scoff at the characters in horror films as you know for certain that it will not happen to you, to think those chumps would have been fine if they read more InQuire.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.