“Students will definitely go out for a winter General Election” as they watch a 5th consecutive hour

Image courtesy of Wix

A student outcry has arisen over the announcement of a winter General Election, with students keen not to miss their endless re-watches of Friends and huddling for warmth in a £2.99 Primark blanket.

Whilst many university students have also come out and declared their intentions to vote, it should also be noted that these are the sort of people that enjoy “pumpkin spiced” products and can thus no longer be trusted.

When questioned further by lecturers whether they will be attending lectures over the course of the winter period, some mild-mannered students responded with a polite “Nah”, while most hadn’t even been bothered to have attended the lecture in the first place.

One anonymous student complained that “I feel like I’ve been personally attacked” and that they have no idea where they’re going to watch the new series of Rick & Morty.

“It’s honestly despicable, I thought scrolling through my Facebook feed was participating enough politically. Now they want me to vote?” The rest of the interview was a series of grunting and sly digs at their housemate not putting the heating on.

Another unlikely casualty of a winter election will be the annual school nativity plays, with polling stations likely to be held in school and village halls as usual, it is expected that a vast majority of them will consequently be cancelled. Shame…

The decision to call a snap-election has also caught out the more politically astute at university, as one senior lecturer at the University of Kent revealed they’ve booked an all-expenses paid skiing trip to Switzerland for “research”.

Politics & International Relations academic, Professor Benson Tait (if you get the anagram without Google, you win the prize below*) said that “As much as I would love to vote in this election, I weighed up the priorities and realised I haven’t updated my Insta in a while”.

“Apparently I’m out here researching voter trends from the 2019 Swiss General Election, it was after all the most recent election with a decent skiing resort anywhere nearby”.

When asked to elaborate on who he believed students should vote for, Mr Tait clarified “Well, at least don’t waste it, I guess. How bad can it be? Vote Liberal Democrat?”

Now that it’s on its way Canterbury has since been gripped by Christmas, I mean election, fever. The sight of several Christmas shops, I mean political campaigning on the high street has terrified customers away and even the introduction of an ice rink in the town, I mean potential new MP… sigh.

Look, not even I’m bothered about this election, okay?

Merry Christmas.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

*You’re nerdy little git, aren’t you? (Abstention)