Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
Far too much of the student newspaper is controlled by snowflake lefties and remoaners complaining about their safe space or lack thereof. I, Barry Smith, shall embark on a one-man mission to restore the status quo and invoke the glory of Britannia, to show the people the error of their PC ways. Or, just write a weekly column on the news and what I think about it.
I’ve got to say that, generally speaking, Barry Smith is a man of conviction. However, this week I am conflicted. On the one hand, as I predicted, MPs were too concerned with trying to defy the king of politics, Boris Johnson, to pass his brilliant Brexit deal and so we are headed for a general election. But on the other hand, Boris did agree to a Brexit extension instead of holding everyone over the barrel of a no deal and just doing it anyway. I feel disappointed that we are not out of the EU and slightly upset that Boris did not deliver on his promise that we would be gone on 31st October by hell or high water. Overall, I am happy, though. A General Election means that Corbyn has signed his own P45 and Boris is about to win at least 75% of parliamentary seats and Brexit being delivered will be a delightful extra Christmas present under Barry’s tree. No prizes for guessing where my vote is going. But ding dong Brexit will be done and BoJo will teach all the Commies that said he would never be able to deliver Brexit.
That was the week’s main news, but elsewhere spoilt brat and all-round annoyance, Greta Thunberg, has pulled another shameless publicity stunt for the world’s biggest myth, climate change. This time she rejected a Nordic council’s environmental award because she felt that “the climate movement does not need any more awards.” If you ask Barry, then I say she is just angry that she didn’t win the Nobel Peace Prize for yelling at people, I do that every week at my construction and logging company, but nobody wants to give me any awards, probably sexism. And anyway, if global warming is such a big issue then why am I cold? It’s freezing outside and nobody seems to be willing to stand up to these so-called “scientists” and tell them that the earth is clearly not getting hotter.
I think we should maybe finish up with some lighter news, if you can call it that because anybody who didn’t already know this is a dumb feminist. Researchers at the University of Aberystwyth and the University of North Carolina have found that 63% of men are funnier than women. I presume that that is a conservative estimate to keep the blue-hair brigade happy. I’ve always known that I am much funnier than Amy Schumer or Zoe Lyons. If you need to find me, I shall be waiting by the phone for Netflix to call and arrange my comedy special.
Update on the Falklands and Gibraltar: they remain ours.
Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.