Far too much of the student newspaper is controlled by snowflake lefties and remoaners complaining about their safe space or lack thereof. I, Barry Smith, shall embark on a one-man mission to restore the status quo and invoke the glory of Britannia, to show the people the error of their PC ways. Or, just write a weekly column on the news and what I think about it.
We are on the election trail once again, and no prizes for guessing that Labour still do not know how money works. Their Shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell, has talked about “investment on a scale never seen before” in the event that Labour wins the election. I am personally very excited to be given my new flying pig by the new Labour government. They intend to fund this by borrowing heavily. Is there no concept of consequences for their actions with those damned Communists? Or maybe they are just resigned to the fact that they won’t be in office when those chickens come home to roost when the adults at the Conservative are re-elected to clean up their mess. Although, as I said they won’t win anyway so it really doesn’t matter. Leon Corbyn can promise whatever he likes because it will sound good, but this is the best country on Earth and our people will see through these obvious fallacies. It is important to note that the Conservatives have also proposed borrowing money for investment, but Boris knows what he is doing and so you can trust that these are far more sensible. Do the right thing and vote for Boris.
My local is continuing to fight the good fight and of course the PC brigade is annoyed at it. A shareholder group in Wetherspoon’s are complaining about an advertising campaign that had things like posters and beer mats that were pro-Brexit during the 2016 referendum campaign. If Pirc don’t like it, then sell up. There will be no shortage of people wanting to buy shares in such an establishment that is run by a visionary man who is not afraid to speak the truth. When the shills try and boycott Wetherspoon’s for someone exercising their right for free speech then that shows that they are not as progressive as they seem to think they are. I will certainly continue going to my local Wetherspoon’s everyday after work to blow off steam with the boys.
In news that makes no sense to me, but I was instructed to write about, a man called Kayesay is fighting Paul Logan, who are apparently YouTubers (whatever that is), in a boxing match in Los Angeles this weekend, I believe it will have happened when this is released, but I certainly do not care enough to change anything. This is a complete embarrassment to the noble sport of boxing and as somebody who enjoys a good scrap, I take it as a personal attack on everything that I believe in. At the end of the day, I would drop both of those lightweight Nancy boys with one punch whilst I had a bag on my head.
Update on the Falklands and Gibraltar: they remain ours.
Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.