First impressions- UK political party leaders

Image courtesy of Wix

In a segment that is in no way stolen from NBC’s Saturday Night Live and Pete Davidson, I shall be evaluating each of the party leaders based not on policy, but what I think of when I see them. This will help you to see the wood from the trees and decide which one of them you want to be running the country. There is always too much talk about policies and these sorts of things during an election campaign and truthfully, how much does that really matter? So, take this as an election guide for people who are not that interested in politics.

Boris Johnson (Conservatives)

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Boris Johnson is what the world sees when they think of Britain. Not because he is our current Prime Minister, but because he is the embodiment of everything that they think we are, take that in whichever way you like. He is a bumbling, yet an unerringly charming person who is simultaneously very eloquent, whilst also making absolutely no sense whatsoever. The only way he could be more quintessentially British is if he was a cup of tea. He is a man of great contradiction and I think the biggest question surrounding him is whether you want Britain to be represented on the international stage by someone who is a walking stereotype for our nation.

Jeremy Corbyn (Labour)

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Jeremy Corbyn always looks more like Jeremy Corbyn in satirical cartoons about him. I am mostly convinced that he is actually an illustration of a homeless person in a Roald Dahl book. He will certainly be hoping that he is not homeless on 13th December. Corbyn is often called a Communist for his left-wing opinions and that is why he is a member of the Labour Party, but I disagree. I think that he is a member of the Labour Party, rather than any other party, because their supporters are the most likely to resonate with a man who only owns one suit. In 90% of his Google image search results he is wearing a black suit with a red tie. Maybe he looks so much like a cartoon character because he also only owns one set of clothes.

Nicola Sturgeon (SNP)

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Nicola Sturgeon is the natural successor to Scott Brown in the middle of Celtic’s midfield, her dogged energy and take-no-prisoners style is sure to fill the void that will be left by Brown once he retires. You can see the steel behind her eyes that say, “I’m going to snap you if you don’t grant Scotland another referendum.” No matter what her mouth is trying to convey, her eyes always tell the story that she wants to hit someone. For that reason and that reason alone, she is perfect to be the leader of the main party in Scotland.

Joanne Swinson (Liberal Democrats)

Image courtesy of Wikipedia

I have never heard Joanne Swinson talk, so this one genuinely is a first impression, but I’m pretty sure that she has a very loud laugh. Something about her toothy smile makes me think that it will be very obnoxious. She also reminds me of a nice but far too enthusiastic chemistry teacher. She would be kind and explain all of the formulae very clearly but will also expect you to match her excitement about a demonstration on how catalysts speed up a reaction.

Adam Price (Plaid Cymru)

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If Nicola Sturgeon’s eyes tell you that she wouldn’t hesitate to hit you with a crowbar, then Adam Price’s eyebrows tell you that he didn’t actually hear what you just said, but thinks that it would be rude to ask you to repeat yourself. I imagine that if he wasn’t in politics then he would be a regional manager for a stationary wholesaler. He has been passed up for promotions multiple times and this has left him a bitter man, but he has been at this company too long to go elsewhere.

Nigel Farage (Brexit Party)

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I look at Nigel Farage and instead of a man, I see a large frog who never speaks but sings in a tremendously deep baritone. I can’t really explain this one and I am hazy on whether this is a bizarre image that I have created or there is a cartoon that I watched as a young child that featured this. Either way, that is Nigel Farage and you cannot sway me from that vision of him.

Siân Berry and Jonathan Bartley (Green Party)

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

The Green Party have two leaders for whatever reason, making this a little bit harder, but this will be more coverage than they get anywhere else, so I think I will give them a pass. Both of these two seem to be having fun in all of the photos of them, and as a natural pessimist I resent them for this. Anyone leading my country needs to be dour and worn down by the world. I can only think that it is key errors like appointing happy people to leadership positions is why the Green Party in this country are not as successful as their counterparts elsewhere.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.