Following on from this stolen segment’s debut last week where I looked at those who are hopeful of having 10 Downing Street as their permanent residence, we will now be casting dispersions based off of very little for those who want your vote specifically. The vast majority of University of Kent students will be voting in the Canterbury constituency when they head to the polls on 12th December, I think it is important that you at least know the names that will feature on your poll card. But before I make fun of these candidates, I would like to address something first. For those who felt that this series is in poor taste and that the student newspaper should be encouraging students to vote, firstly I agree. And secondly, Hi I’m Joe and welcome to the satire section, nothing here is serious. This is a joke, learn to recognize them.
Rosie Duffield (Labour)
I have to admit, I have absolutely no idea what Rosie Duffield has done in parliament since being elected in 2017, but in fairness she isn’t technically my MP. Also, fortunately, actual knowledge of things is of no use in this article as it is just about first impressions. And my first impressions of Duffield are that she always looks confused in photos taken in the House of Commons. She may well be very competent, but she never looks in her element when photos are taken of her. She is always giving the side eyes and her head is tilted, as if she hasn't really heard what was just said. Outside of the commons she seems to be falling for the same trap as the Green Party leaders by looking like she is genuinely enjoying herself, which I just can’t get behind in a politician. Politicians know what is really happening and so should definitely not be happy, rookie error from Rosie there.
Anna Firth (Conservatives)
Anna Firth meets my expectations of a politician far more than Rose Duffield, for no other reason than she is dead behind the eyes. This is the mark of someone who knows what they are getting themselves in for. It is their job to act like everything is okay and so they are smiling, but their eyes have completely lost the will to live, and Firth has this in abundance. She only looks genuinely happy when she met Boris Johnson, read into this what you will, everywhere else she is putting up a pretence of enjoyment, whilst secretly hating everything and everyone around her. She also has the hair of a young Robbie Savage, and that is something that I can definitely get behind.
Michael James Gould (Independent)
I have to admit, I love this guy. In an article with Kent Online he genuinely said his reason for standing was because why not. If that doesn’t make him deserve your vote, then I don’t know what will. He also admits that he isn’t really politically active and as you may have noticed that neither am I, are we sure this isn’t just me running in disguise as a 71-year-old man? Michael is not running to win, and when asked about potentially taking votes away from Duffield, he said that he didn’t think he would actually get enough votes for it to matter. As part of a media outlet, we aren’t really allowed to endorse a candidate, but I think you know what to do. Vote Gould!
Claire Malcomson (Liberal Democrats)
After initially pulling out (you’ll understand in a minute) of Canterbury to help Duffield, the Lib Dems are back with a bang (two in a sentence, I truly am a marvel). The actress stroke district councillor is also sporting an homage to Wrexham’s favourite son, Robbie Savage, on her head. Not being a native to Canterbury, I have to ask, were people here really such big fans of the Manchester United side that won the FA Youth Cup in 1992, but not the core members of that side? Much of her campaign so far has been dominated (if you’ll pardon the pun) by her featuring in an advert for a Belgian casino, which features her wearing what has been described by many outlets as “S&M” attire (now you understand the earlier jokes). But, as a creditable journalist and consummate professional, I shall not pass judgement on such antics. And lord knows we need someone to take control around here.
Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.