Saying it like it is (25th November- 1st December)

Image courtesy of Wix

Far too much of the student newspaper is controlled by snowflake lefties and remoaners complaining about their safe space or lack thereof. I, Barry Smith, shall embark on a one-man mission to restore the status quo and invoke the glory of Britannia, to show the people the error of their PC ways. Or, just write a weekly column on the news and what I think about it.

It has come to this. There are another two weeks until the election and Jeremy Corbyn has desperately lumped the ball forwards, hoping that it will find somebody’s head and go in. I really thought he would have a bit more grace and decorum like this, but I suppose when any man is losing a scrap this badly, they are going to wildly swing to see if it lands. Mr. Nationalise Everything is trying to claim that the lord and saviour, Boris Johnson, is trying to sell the NHS to the Americans as a part of his proposed trade deal. Honestly, if you believe this utter dross then I feel sorry for you, but I’ve never heard bigger nonsense in my life. But, even if it is true, then we are at the point that I would trust his judgement completely and be completely certain that it was the right thing to do. I don’t think I’ve laughed at a new story more since Labour’s manifesto announcement.

This Friday was Black Friday, and this was written before that happened, but that doesn’t matter as it is the most ridiculous day of the year. If you need a specific day to get deals, then you need to work harder and just make more money. I do all my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve at Tool Station; my niece loves the tape measure I got her last year. Either get people something useful or something you built. Those are proper gifts, not this technological garbage. I’ll tell you one thing; my hands can make something far better than a Malaysian child in a sweat shop getting payed four pence an hour.

Update on the Falklands and Gibraltar: they remain ours.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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