Saying it like it is (9th-15th December)

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Far too much of the student newspaper is controlled by snowflake lefties and remoaners complaining about their safe space or lack thereof. I, Barry Smith, shall embark on a one-man mission to restore the status quo and invoke the glory of Britannia, to show the people the error of their PC ways. Or, just write a weekly column on the news and what I think about it.

I’ve been telling you this would happen for weeks. Instead of desperately getting celebrities to tweet “Labour.” Jeremy Vladimir Lenin Corbyn should have taken my advice and spent the time updating his CV and signing up to I mean, having read his manifesto, I can’t see any business wanting to hire someone with total disregard for basic economics, I know I wouldn’t hire him. Whatever the shills on Twitter might have been telling you, this election was never in doubt. The country knew that Boris Jesus Johnson was right for us and would get Brexit done and then some!

I’ll be honest, I had a whale of a night. Scrolling through social media watching the snowflakes freaking out about the exit polls and as the results were coming through. I think Boris and his tidal wave of support might have infringed on their safe space. My personal favourites were people saying that there was no way the Conservatives could win, because Labour had all the support on social media. News flash, conservatives don’t feel the need to spread their political message everywhere and indoctrinate people like that, our political ideology speaks for itself and doesn’t take a mammoth effort of convincing people that you aren’t going to ruin the economy, even when Corbyn definitely was going to.

In other fun news from the night Jo Swinson got voted out. 80% of her constituency turned out in force to vote her out. She deludedly said that she could become prime minister during this election and her own constituency told her she wasn’t even fit to be in the houses of parliament. Her seat was apart of a larger trend of the evening, in which the SNP dominated in Scotland once again, after failing last time out. As much as I dislike the SNP as a party, I like that this happened. I like it for the sole purpose of it meaning that the SNP won’t be around for too much longer, as independence shall be coming to a theatre near you soon. Meaning we get to stop spending a disproportionate amount of government spending on them and get to stop hearing about them.

Update on the Falklands and Gibraltar: they remain ours.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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