Christmas stories with no pay-off

December 24, 2019

Image courtesy of Wix 

 

A Christmas Carol

 Scrooge was a notoriously mean and stingy man, but what can you realistically expect from a man whose name is literally synonymous with being a grouch? I think people need to give him a break, you’d be the same if everyone used your name to refer to someone being grumpy. So, to teach this understandably annoyed a soul a lesson about taking things to heart, two ghosts go to his house to try and make him change his ways. Scrooge is sleeping happily in his house and minding his own business when two ghosts appear at the foot of his bed. Unfortunately, they are startling an old man whilst he was asleep. He wakes up and sees two ghosts and has a heart attack. Scrooge is taken to hospital and survives, but now hates Christmas even more as it gave him serious health issues.Ebeneezer

 

The birth of Jesus

Mary has married an incredibly gullible/ religious man names Joseph (you can decide which based on which you think is a more likely reason for why a man would not question why his “virgin” wife is now pregnant). The pair of them are returning home to Bethlehem in order to take part in a census and for some reason have not booked accommodation in advance of an event that they knew was happening and would have a lot of people needing to stay in Bethlehem, and they also have no relatives or friends in their home city that they could stay with. Mary is heavily pregnant, and like a lot of irrational people before her, has decided against having the baby in a professional and sterile environment such as the hospital and will instead do it in a hotel room that they have not obtained in advance. As would have been obvious to anyone with even a modicum of foresight there were no rooms at the inn (I think this line deserves to be kept in- if you'll pardon the pun). However, the hotel clerks do not offer them a stable, because why would they do that? They are forced to sleep rough for the evening and the lord and saviour is born on the pavement. God chose some real winners to raise his son.

 

The night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds;

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,

Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

But a local drunk exposing his rear,

In our garden hedge he did squat,

And it was obvious that his indulgence gave him the trots,

As he staggered anon,

I ran for the John,

I threw open the door and chundered in the bowl,

Down the hallway my mother did stroll,

In her hands were presents and gifts,

The kind that should be brought by St. Nick,

My jaw hit the floor creating a thud,

All my mother could respond was “crud”,

“Is this just a dream?”

“Yes, and forget what you have seen, or Santa will just bring you a bean”

I went back to my bed and all I could think,

Is what did I put in my pre-bed time drink?

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

 

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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First published in 1965, InQuire is the University of Kent student newspaper.

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