Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
Falling into a pit of despair as you realise the decade is over? Me neither. Ten years down, ten more to go - and what better way to start the year with new year’s resolutions you’re actually going to stick to. Approximately 80% of new year’s resolutions fail by February, but unlike those half-hearted resolutions, these revolutionary declarations are guaranteed to stick with you. Like a desperate Ex, they’ll linger around for the rest of the year; maybe even for the rest of your life.
Go on a diet
Atkins? Low-fat? Low-fat AND low-carb? Veganism? Whatever counts as a diet, you’ll be on it. Throw away those Celebrations, you won’t need them anymore once you’ve gorged your way through December by eating nothing but pigs-in-blankets. Now it’s time for rationing and planning healthy foods and meals. You will definitely not be starving on the second day of the year, but it would be a good idea to stock up on some iron tablets before you start.
Join a gym
Unlike the rest of the country who will be lining up hesitantly to pick up their gym memberships, you’ll already be in the gym on the machines. The only bars you’ll be hitting in the new year are the barbells. Meet Paul, the 14st heavyweight who keeps the pit unavailable every morning at 5am. If mornings aren’t your thing, the Mum’s Zumba class takes place every Tuesday at 6.30pm. Mum’s aren’t your thing either? Well you’ll have to get used to it, and you’ll be fuelling up on protein shakes in the meantime. By the end of the year you’ll either be Kent’s next body-pump teacher or fighting Paul to get to the chest press machine.
Instead of Dry January, you’ll be doing Dry 2020. All those nights out you’ll be on, bars to go to, socials, think of them as your sober haven. Liquid courage isn’t your thing anymore, you’ll be the most energetic person there without the alcohol. Your favourite drink is now water. Free champagne at a big party? You’ll be saying no to that (wait, seriously? We’re turning down free stuff? Yes, absolutely. This is the life you’ve chosen). Get ready for the most responsible year of your life. No blackouts. No texting your ex. No hangovers.
Find the right person
Ah, 2020, the year that no timewasters will enter your life. You’ll be able to swipe through Tinder with confidence knowing what you like and what you want. Knowing you, and your new lease of life, your soulmate is going to approach you in some really romantic excessive setting, per chance are there any spiral staircases on campus? Or perhaps, they’ve been right in front of your eyes the whole time. You won’t be a babe magnet; you’ll be cupid’s bow and arrow.
Whether it’s Asia, America or Europe, the world is your oyster. Especially in 2020, with your new work ethic and motivation you’ll finding money dropping off trees. This is what student loans were made for, right? Plan ahead and budget, and before you know it you’ll be booking your next trip for Summer 2020. Why don’t you just book a flight right now? One way? First class? Eithad Airways? Anything is possible in 2020 with your new lifestyle.
Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.