With the new decade bearing down on us like an eighteen-wheeler truck, it seemed like the perfect time for Connor Bluemel to make some rash, ill-considered and almost certainly incorrect predictions about the lives of some of the music industry’s most colourful characters over the next ten years.
Morrissey’s ego reaches critical mass
Image courtesy of The Independent online
Though never one to shy away from cringeworthy behaviour, the 2010s witnessed an entirely new level of ‘Morrissey-ness’. While his decision to ban meat at his concerts was met with equal amounts of praise, outrage and mockery, his support for far-right political party For Britain was more generally upsetting. Morrissey has since insisted that his endorsement of the group does not make him racist - suggesting instead that any resulting negative press was the product of a smear campaign by the Guardian newspaper - but when he has previously described Chinese people as a ‘subspecies’, it’s difficult to be understanding. If such incidents continue over the next ten years, as they surely will, then it is only logical that Morrissey will eventually be consumed by the fires of his own conceit; a fire which I’m sure will keep us all warm as the Brexit he supports drains the country of its dwindling fuel reserves.
Kanye West releases the first album ever recorded by a sitting President of the United States
Image courtesy of The Wrap
Since announcing his political aspirations at the 2015 VMAs, Kanye West has repeatedly reminded anyone who will listen of his intention to run in the 2024 Presidential election. In the current political climate, the possibility of him winning seems increasingly likely, particularly if we are to be believe President Trump who has referred to Kanye as ‘[maybe] the most powerful man in all of politics’. Either way, it would be a disservice to everyone if he didn’t use the opportunity to record what at this point will presumably be an album entirely made up of spliced-together bible verses, from his home studio in the oval office.
Tom DeLonge leads the first meeting between humans and aliens
Image courtesy of the New York Post
The 2010’s were a rollercoaster for ex-Blink 182 and current Angels and Airwaves frontman Tom DeLonge. Though Blink returned from their hiatus in 2011 to release a new album, the reunion was short lived, with DeLonge ultimately leaving the band once again. Since then, he’s spent the majority of his time trying to prove the existence of UFO’s. Naturally, the internet’s response to this news constituted a mix of mockery and support, with some even questioning DeLonge’s mental wellbeing. However, earlier this year his company To The Stars uncovered videos of what they claimed were UFO’s and incredibly, the US Navy verified their findings. Surely it is now only a matter of time before full contact is made with alien life forces. I for one think it would only be fitting that the man who has written several songs about having sexual intercourse with dogs, his own relatives and peoples’ mums should be the one to boldly lead us into a brave new epoch of human existence.
Ozzy Osbourne the only human to survive the nuclear apocalypse
Image courtesy of the Irish Mirror
Ozzy’s ability to survive whatever life throws at him is unmatched not only within the music industry, but the world at large. His record of substance abuse has become a well-documented part of rock history, as have his various misadventures, which include (but are certainly not limited to) breaking his neck falling off a quadbike and drunk driving his pregnant wife to the hospital without a license. Although the story about him snorting ants with Motley Crüe is apparently apocryphal, the fact that we were all so ready to accept it is surely testament to the level of debauchery Osbourne has engaged in across his career. Somehow, in defiance of even the loosest notion of common sense, his heart beats on - a fact which I can safely say brings us all comfort in these troubled times and one which will undoubtedly ensure his survival when the inevitable apocalypse finally comes. Whether it’s down to a rogue gene or just sheer dumb luck, one thing’s for sure: Ozzy’s not going anywhere. In fact, he might even be coming back to TV.
Image courtesy of jaimeradar on imgur
Just kidding, this is never going to happen. Stop hoping for the impossible and settle in for ten more years of Liam calling Noel a potato on Twitter.