Image courtesy of Wix
There I was one fine January morning, watching the earth burn around me, preparing myself for ways in which I could avoid being drafted into World War Three, my current plan is to pay a doctor to say I am unfit for service or to get my friends to vouch for how useless I am at things like Call of Duty. Looking back, I see how ignorant I was. Like one sheep in a disturbingly large flock, I thought that I knew that the earth was round. How simple that time was, roughly thirty minutes ago.
It was then that I received an email to my editorial email address, for all of my very formal and important dealings with InQuire. This email would go on to completely change my life and turn my world upside down. Roughly thirty minute ago, I would have thought that turning my world upside down would just involve me going to Australia, as that was on the other side of the ball of rock that I thought I lived on, but now I’m not so sure.
That email was from someone called Lee Austin, which startled me, because, well, I don’t know anyone called Lee Austin and nobody ever emails the satire section, just look at the number of people who have written for the section and you can figure that one out. But Lee had found the email address anyway and had sent me and the rest of the members of InQuire a brief email that included a link to morningstarstale.com, and like the sheep I used to be, roughly thirty minutes ago, I clicked on it.
The website that it brought me to was essentially one big advertisement for Lee Austin’s book, “Morning Star’s Tale”. This informed me that the book is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Walmart, so I imagine that the email I received was a part of a growth strategy to enlighten the English, as the Americans had already been shown the truth. As we all know, the American public are a fountain of knowledge and should be trusted on all of their beliefs. The website, however, has a preface and preview for the book itself, and these were enough to convert me, as had happened to Logan Paul before me.
If you would like to continue living with the wool pulled firmly over your eyes then I would recommend that you stop reading now, or alternatively you could put on your tin foil hat to attempt to repel the pure and unadulterated truth that I am about to share with you.
I won’t spoil all of the reasons that Lee Austin provides for why the earth can only be flat, as I believe in people doing research for themselves, but I will provide a flavour to get you started on your personal journey to the truth. Austin gives reasons for all people to convert to being “flat-earthers”, whether you are religious or not. He cites multiple quotes from scripture as showing that God was trying to let us know that the earth was flat this whole time. But, if you prefer Richard Dawkins to Jesus Christ, then there are plenty of irrefutable reasons for you to enjoy. “Morning Star’s Tale” disproves the Pythagorean curvature equation and the illusion of the horizon.
So, let us all raise a toast to the end of the dominance of the sham of a spherical Earth and hail our new prophet, Lee Austin, the man who showed us the way.
Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.