Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
Far too much of the student newspaper is controlled by snowflake lefties and remoaners complaining about their safe space or lack thereof. I, Barry Smith, shall embark on a one-man mission to restore the status quo and invoke the glory of Britannia, to show the people the error of their PC ways. Or, just write a weekly column on the news and what I think about it.
It’s happening! Let’s get Brexit done has turned into Brexit has been done. After three and a half years of liberal shills trying to stop our divine cause for freedom from the snowflakes in the EU, an angel has descended from the heavens to get us out. Boris has got parliament, the queen, and the EU to sign off on our withdrawal bill and now we just have to wait a matter of days to finally breathe the air of freedom. It’s like parole has been granted and now we just have to wait to be fully released. Boris doesn’t break promises, so you can probably hold your breath and wait for our favourable trade deal with the United States and the b-tech Boris and at that point the EU will bend a knee and give us everything we want. The sun never did set on the British empire and the horizon is more beautiful than it has been for quite some time, certainly the brightest its been for forty-six years.
Boris made sure that Trump didn’t start a war over Iran with his top-notch diplomacy skills, but it looks like China are trying to bring the world to its knees anyway. Ten cities have now restricted travel as an outbreak of coronavirus is threatening everyone, particularly in the run-up to Chinese New Year where a lot of travel was expected. 26 people have died already, and it begs the question, why are we putting up with any of this? British airports should take the lead and just stop all flights in and out of the region, as apparently it has gone beyond China, until this is definitely over. China like to think they are mysterious and secluded, so let them be that way, I know I’m not letting some measly disease bring old Barry down, I’ve personally always envisaged it involving roughly fourteen wolves and a minimum of four burly security guards. Like always, if in doubt, keep them out.
Tesco has announced that they are going to stop having plastic-wrap on its multi-buy products. As much as you may expect me to disagree with such a decision, and believe me it pains me to agree with a decision that Greenpeace are supporting, but sometimes such things occur, a broken clock is correct twice a day, unless its broken in such a way that it is still moving, but in a random way that is never correct. However, I don’t support it for environmental because who really cares if a turtle eats some plastic, because that’s called natural selection, if your friend Tony ate some plastic and died then I certainly would not do the same thing, so that’s just what makes me better than turtles. However, I personally felt that the plastic-wrap was pointless if you are going to immediately put the thing in a trolley and then a bag, at what particular stage did I need the plastic holding them together? Barry does not care about the environment, but he also dislikes things which serve no purpose, like the Labour party.
Update on the Falklands and Gibraltar: they remain ours.
Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.