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Far too much of the student newspaper is controlled by snowflake lefties and remoaners complaining about their safe space or lack thereof. I, Barry Smith, shall embark on a one-man mission to restore the status quo and invoke the glory of Britannia, to show the people the error of their PC ways. Or, just write a weekly column on the news and what I think about it.
Brexit day has finally come (and indeed gone by the time you are reading this)! The leftie snowflakes have spent three and a half years moaning about a completely unconstitutional people’s vote and that people didn’t know what they were voting for and all that other nonsense. Well, today is a day that 52% of us have been waiting a jolly long time for and it is a celebration of everything that makes us great. I will be spending the day wearing my Union Jack suit, eating roast beef, strolling through our glorious countryside, and then going to my local pub in the evening and scrapping with some Millwall fans over how awful their football club is. And may I praise Nigel Farage and our many other MEPs for sticking the proverbial middle finger up at the European parliament by waving our glorious flag in their controlling faces. God save the queen!
Another story that was going around whilst the shills attempted to silence me was the Meghan Markle debacle. The ungrateful Prince Harry has taken the silver spoon that this country’s proud history has given him and attempted to gouge our eyes out with it over some half-baked TV actress from a country that I regard as our largest mistake. The monarchy is a great thing and one of the many reasons that I am proud to hail from this storied isle. However, if Harry thinks that he is above representing us on the world stage and displaying to everyone else why the sun has not and will not set on the British Empire and wants to throw all of that in the bin like yesterday’s Telegraph, then I shall be expecting a cheque of the amount that the British taxpayer has paid to him post-haste.
Update on the Falklands and Gibraltar: they remain ours.
Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.