Three times Her Majesty was there for me when no one else was

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1. I was once riding my penny farthing to the local sweetshop when I came upon a particularly rough road, full of potholes. I had only just taught myself how to ride yet I was confident in my skill. But alas! I tripped and felt myself brutally flung into the air, landing on my knee. Luckily, Her Majesty was there with her First Aid kit to put a plaster on my fractured knee and help me off the ground. Lord knows what would have become of me otherwise.

2. My favourite thing about Summer has always been going to the Fun Faire; riding the carrousel and winning myself little trinkets at the shooting galleries. I know they’re usually rigged to make money off you, but that didn’t stop me from coming back every year. One time I was nearly forced to declare pocket money bankruptcy as I failed to shoot any of the plastic ducks down. I was readying myself to take my final shot when I felt a strong gush of wind and the sound of rapid gun fire coming from behind me. Boom! Just like that all five ducks were down. I turn to see her Majesty standing five feet behind me holding her shotgun with one hand, and three limp pheasants with the other. She then proceeded to give me some very sound budgeting advice and I have never approached financial insolvency since.

3. On my first day of Secondary school, I was terrified I wouldn’t make any new friends, but I eventually gathered up the courage to go up to a group of boys. An unlikely obstacle stood in my path: an old lady ambled toward me in the middle of the playground. ‘Take one, take one’, she muttered behind her scarf and indicated to a bag of rhubarb and custards. Reluctantly, I dug into the bag and took a handful when a gush of wind blew away the scarf to reveal this was Her Majesty, the Queen herself! Before I could speak, I noticed Oliver and his friends had gathered round, ‘Why, is that your grandmother? You big baby! Need your nappies changed?’ His eyes jumped out when he realised this lady was holding a bag of his favourite sweets. ‘Oh, do give us one, Madam’, they pleaded before it hit them, ‘Wait a minute, Your Majesty, it is an absolute honour…’ and they immediately fell to the floor in veneration, ‘We’re sorry for what we said to you, Tommy, is it? Why don’t you join us for lunch?’. At that, she flashed me a warm, toothy grin, dropped the sweets and scuttled into the nearby bushes. But this time I wasn’t going to let her get away.

‘Why do you do this?’ I called after her.

‘It is merely my Royal duty, dear.’ I haven’t seen her since that day, but I’ll never forget the times she was there for me when no one else was.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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