Women's lacrosse quarantined amid coronavirus fears

Image courtesy of Wix

The world is currently on high alert to the dangers of coronavirus. The outbreak of the virus began in China and has since spread across the globe, with three confirmed cases in the UK so far. This has led many to worry about the potential for this to become a global epidemic. Many airlines have taken action to stop or reduce flights to mainland China and Hong Kong to try and stop the spread of coronavirus outside of Asia. Add to that list: Kent Union.

Kent Union is trying to make sure that there isn’t a repeat of the mumps epidemic of the autumn, in which the disease spread through Canterbury campus and caused a scare throughout South-East England. Bearing that in mind, Kent Union have decided that the safest way to protect all students at the University of Kent is to quarantine the women’s lacrosse team for the foreseeable future so that illness does not once again plague the university.

This decision was made during crisis talks in the union offices on the best ways to protect the students. However, Kent Union do not wish to create undue panic among the student body and so the quarantine will be disguised. The plan is to invite the women’s lacrosse team to a meeting at an office on the second floor of Eliot college. The hope is that they will be just lost in the building, unable to find the office for several months until the panic is over and will be unable to infect anyone.

A Kent Union employee speaking to us said, ‘We realise that this measure is not perfect and that the results in BUCs competition for the women’s lacrosse team will be affected.’ He believed he was off the record for this next comment, ‘but who actually cares about lacrosse anyway?’ After asking me to continue the recording, silly me I’d left the thing on. ‘However, we must make decisions that benefit the entire student body and unfortunately they do have a history in this area. We are not concerned for their own safety as those massive puffer jackets they all wear constantly will keep them warm and if they can find it, then Mungo’s is close at hand.’

The vote on the decision was passed unanimously and the quarantine will begin in the coming days.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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First published in 1965, InQuire is the University of Kent student newspaper.

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