The Brexit diaries

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As of the 1st February 2020, the United Kingdom has exited the European Union. I thought that it would be a good idea to document my experiences as Great Britain adjusts to this new world.

Day 1

Not the best morning. I may have overcooked it at the Brexit day celebrations last night. The thronging headache aside, everything this morning is rosy. I don’t think I’ve felt this free in a long time.

Day 7

We are now one week into Brexit Britain and nothing yet has fallen apart like the remoaners were telling me it would. The financial markets seem fine and the supermarkets are still well stocked with food. Boris Johnson is preparing for trade deal talks with the EU and United States. Still very excited for the future.

Day 30

It’s been over a month now and everything is still fine. What were people complaining about? Boris is reporting good things from trade deal talks, so that shouldn’t be too much longer. Seriously, what were people complaining about?

Day 100

Alright, maybe this is not all fine. The exchange rate has been on the slide for a while now and the shelves of Sainsbury’s are looking slightly barer than I remember from before, although maybe I’m just paranoid. It’s probably just a blip, I’m sure it will all be fine after we give it a bit longer.

Day 365

Happy 1st birthday to Brexit Britain! We might have to not do presents this year because money is a bit tight these days. I think my wages have halved in value in the past year. Although, we just hit the one-year mark and Boris has called a press conference for later today, I’m sure he’ll be announcing a raft of trade deals and this will all change soon.

Day 366

Well, that did not pan out. Apparently, there have been a few difficulties with the EU, and it will take a bit longer. Let’s give him a little longer to sort this out and then we will be right back on track. I did go to Tesco earlier and a shop assistant told me that a lot of stuff won’t be there soon, presumably it will be pointless stuff that none of us need anyway.

Day 450

It has been nearly a hundred days since the last entry and still no update on the trade deals. Most supermarkets now cannot even fill their shelves and have sub let them to other businesses, one of the shops even has a few people living in it. In spite of this, prices definitely seem to be more expensive. I might be wrong, but I do not think that a Freddo Frog costed £2 a little over a year ago.

Day 600

Good thing I already owned a wheelbarrow, I will tell you that much for free (although if you could give me money that would be great because I really don’t have any). I have to bring it with me when I go to work to collect my wages and then all of it goes on two carrots and a slice of bread (oh yeah, bread is now sold by the slice as otherwise we would run out very quickly). I don’t really feel safe as I see quite a few gangs of people going around at night with pieces of drainpipe and things.

Day 732

Help me. Literally everything is on fire, zero exaggeration. I have been hiding in a tree for about a month or maybe longer, time does not really matter anymore. Shortly after the last entry society broke down. Those gangs that I talked about took over the cities and started attacking houses, one or two on my street got a hit and then I was out of there. First, I became slightly nomadic, moving from place to place looking for resources, but before long they were all gone, and I moved to the countryside to hunt for food myself. Life now is like the hunger games, if the hunger games wasn’t just once a year and involved everyone in Britain.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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