Bible stories for the 21st century

February 17, 2020

Image courtesy of Wix 

 

Noah’s Ark

 

One day, Noah was scrolling through “r/favouritebibleverses” on Reddit, God spoke to him. God said, “Hey Noah! I want you to build an ark and contain all the animals from the planet for the world is going to have a massive flood!” “Alrighty,” Noah said, “but is it because humans are trash to each other, and you want to punish us?” “Not really,” God replied, “it’s just that because of the rapid rising sea levels due to ice sheets losing ice faster that it should be.” Noah laughed and said, “global warming, am I right? Well, I’m glad you chose me. I am honoured to serve you!” “Uhhhh, this is awkward,” the lord said. “I kinda asked Greta first but all the angry shouty white men refused to listen sooo…”

 

Adam and Eve

 

After God created Adam, Adam bought takeout from JustEat and Deliveroo and played Call of Duty all day. And then God said, “oh boy, this man needs a companion.” Then, Eve was created. God said, “I shall call you woman.” Eve was like, “Excuse me, I can name myself. You gave me free will, remember?  My name is Eve.”

Adam and Eve had a marvellous time together. They were naked all the time as there weren’t Victoria’s Secrets or the Hemsworth Brothers to body shame them. They had a lot of hot consensual sex.

One day, the serpent came, and told Eve to eat the apple because when she eats the apple, she would be all knowing like God. Eve thought to herself, “I am not going to obtain my information from a singular source!”  Eve crossed checked the information with other sources and wrote an essay that weighs all the pro and cons of eating and realised eating the apple was just not worth the risk. So, she continued to eat those organic and responsibly sourced fruits from God.

Adam ate the apple anyway and the reason he gave was “It’s actually very patronising to agree with Eve just because she is a woman.” Adam was kicked out the garden and Eve can now live in peace.

 

David and Goliath

 

A war was brewing between America and Iran. The Iranians were scared because America had Goliath. Goliath was a huge array of multi-national companies and Iran just have a small number of domestic stores. “They will Americanize us!” cried the Iranians. And then a courageous small owner stepped up to the scene and said, “I will fight for Iran!” David went to Goliath and said, “I come with the sword of diseconomies of scale and equality!” He pointed the sword to the sky and the sun reflected of its blade turning everyone to responsible consumers and boycotted big companies in favor of small independent ones that adopted good and ethical business practices. Goliath died. The end. #PowertothePeople

 

Leviticus

 

If a man lies with a man in public, it’s an abomination. But what you do in private is none of my business, man or woman that’s fine. Homophobia is so 500 BCE guys, geez, move on! And they all went to the Persian Period Pride.

 

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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First published in 1965, InQuire is the University of Kent student newspaper.

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