Mugworts has ideal response to staff strike

February 20, 2020

Image courtesy of Wix 

 

Mugwort’s University has identified the ideal response to proposed strike action by teaching staff, which will see students miss several weeks of lesson time.

With staff set to walk out later this month, many have been wondering what stroke of genius the High Council will play to resolve the impending calamity.

The University will respond by doing nothing, a spokesperson for the High Council said in a statement earlier today.

 

“The best way forward is for the senior management team to do absolutely nothing at all” said Ivor Bigun, Headless of Student Experience.

 

“The University will save thousands due to the strikes as teachers will not be paid. Meanwhile students will have no option but to skip classes, which is what they would have wanted anyway.

 

“Sales of hot drinks around campus will likely increase due to the strike. All in all, this is a win for everyone” concluded Mr Bigun, before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

 

Striking lecturers have previously bemoaned the lack of support from senior management, stating that not one member of the High Council has joined them on the picket lines.

 

Junior lecturer Gotswynn Delld complained: “I simply can’t pay my rent. Last month I had to eat the small rodents and birds brought in by my cat. This month I will have to sell him just to keep a roof over my head.”

 

More worryingly students have begun to suspect that the High Council does not care about them at all, with the office of Lady Chancellor Canbe Smug failing to respond to communications from students who feel they have been let down time and again.

 

“Where’s my £9,250 a year going?” asked one angry student. “We’re being mugged off” said another.

 

But an insouciant LC Smug declared: “We of the High Council care about our students just as much as we care about our staff. Not at all.

 

“Students have better things to do than go to boring old lectures” she continued. “Besides, they will all be busy trying to earn enough money to pay for their on-campus accommodation.

 

“This University prides itself on three things. Money, money, profits and money. Oh, and student experience.”

 

But LC Smug failed to explain exactly what ‘student experience’ means. Presumably she was referring to the experience of paying for a service you do not receive and having no means of getting a refund.

The catastrophe continues.

 

Elsewhere in education news – the University of Kent Vice-Chancellor’s response to letters from students – see page 404.

 

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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First published in 1965, InQuire is the University of Kent student newspaper.

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