Mugwort's campus shop cuts price of milk

March 3, 2020

Image courtesy of Wix 

 

The Mugwort’s University Campus Store has slashed the price of a four-pint jug of milk to just £1.60, in a move which makes their milk cheaper than every supermarket in the land except for all of them.

 

The shop, formerly known as Apprentice’s Essentials, uses magical devices to assist staff, which means less workers are needed to man the counters. The additional profits have enabled the store to drop prices.

 

Staff at the outlet are no better off however, with wages lower than those paid by bargain supermarkets. The low prices have also caused some staff to become disillusioned.

 

“It’s almost as cheap as a normal shop now,” said former storekeeper Masif Skank, who had overseen operations before the changes were implemented.

 

“We used to just charge whatever we wanted. Two quid for a pack of biscuits, six-fifty for a four-pack, eight pounds for a carrot, those were golden days.

“We never worried about the price on the ticket either. We just made it up as we went along. It didn’t matter, we were only robbing students most of the time anyway,” said Mr Skank, joyfully reminiscing about old times.

 

The new system has been welcomed by many, but some junior teaching staff are said to be unable to afford even the new prices. Some have even been seen rummaging around in the bins nearby for scraps of food.

 

Lady Chancellor Canbe Smug was unperturbed by such occurrences. She stated contentedly: “We of the High Council have neither the time nor the need to quibble over the price of milk, bacon, tuition fees, teachers, or anything else.

“Being terribly well off, we can have whatever we want. Except an institution that takes cares of its staff and students, but who cares about that?” scoffed LC Smug, cheerfully counting out £300,000 from her massive wad.

 

“If people stopped worrying about living costs and low wages, they could make an absolute killing. We are not the least bit concerned about money and neither are any of our friends. We’re all loaded!” she laughed all the way to the bank.

 

Perhaps the only way for hard-up students and even worse-off teachers to feed themselves is to go and vote in the elections being held at the Apprentice’s Union, where organisers are giving out donuts to every voter at the behest of the Union’s beloved leader, the Good Fairy.

 

“We are doing our best to feed everyone” cooed the Fairy as she floated about on butterfly wings, wafting her magic wand to conjure up more and more donuts. “But it would be nice if the High Council could do more to help.”

 

The hypocrisy continues.

 

Elsewhere in education news – strike compensation claim form available for students at the University of Kent – page 404.

 

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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First published in 1965, InQuire is the University of Kent student newspaper.

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