Staff culled as high council takes a tough stance

March 10, 2020

Image courtesy of Wix 

 

Events seem to have taken a nasty turn at struggling Mugwort’s University as it was announced that forty senior apprentices were to be culled amidst fears of further strikes. Several minstrels have already been destroyed in the cull.

 

Spokesperson for the High Council Mr Titas McScrooge confirmed: “This University must take a tough stance against senior apprentices who have the audacity to stand up for their right to a fair deal in the workplace.

 

“The High Council will not allow riff-raff to march around complaining about their “real-life problems”. We have a clean wholesome image to look out for and staff going out on strike makes us look bad” said Mr McScrooge without emotion.

The staff will be melted down, transformed into hamsters, frozen into ice statues for decoration, sent to the apothecaries for experimentation, petrified or torn apart by wild horses to make an example of them.

 

When asked if these measures were ethical Lady Chancellor Canbe Smug coolly replied: “Oh yes it’s quite alright. The horses don’t mind at all. In fact, they rather enjoy it and the hamsters will be much happier than those silly old apprentices.

 

“This has nothing to do with the strike, oh no!” protested LC Smug too much, “and nothing at all to do with all the shiny new buildings which have popped up just nicely around campus. There is a perfectly good explanation for all of this.

“Due to significant challenges we need to provide a firmer guarantee of academic continuity.”

 

But it would appear that the University had spent so much of its budget on building projects that it had nothing left to pay its staff, leading some to suggest that LC Smug was being disingenuous.

 

Members of the Apprentice’s Union were unavailable for comment as they ducked under tables, hid in closets and flew as fast as their broomsticks could carry them, keen to avoid falling victim to the impending purge.

 

But an anonymous source from within the Union said: “we are now so scared of Smug we barely have the courage to call her out on her ridiculous lies.

“We can either accept a starvation wage and go quietly, or get blasted with lightning bolts, turned into frogs or worse. They might even start making us eat at Scutherford Hall, or find our way through Labyrinthe College after dark.”

The massacre continues.

 

Elsewhere in education news – University of Kent PGCE Human Rights Charter – on page 404.

 

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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