Classified advertisements

March 15, 2020

Image courtesy of Flickr 

 

DJ Wandy goes Local

Are you happy living with the wool pulled over your eyes, living in a grand illusion you have created for yourself where you have never truly learned what music should sound like? If not, contact DJ Wandy, Canterbury’s hottest new DJ. Perfect for any occasion, from Bar Mitzvahs to headlining a club and everything in between. The only thing stopping you from booking him will be your insurance not covering blown minds.

If you are interested email wandyuk139@gmail.com for further information.

 

Missing: My dignity

Last seen in the early hours of Thursday morning around the plaza area of Canterbury campus. If you have any information on its whereabouts, then send them to website.satire@inquiremedia.co.uk as it is imperative that I get it back. Reward: 2 jäger bombs.

 

Computer Science student searching for love

Second year computer science student, brown hair, glasses, the perfect size to love. Limited experience but excellent at learning on the job. Looking for someone to build a city of our own on my Minecraft server. Skills: proficient in Java, Python, and Swift; level 57 at Hearthstone; top 100 in UK as Genji at Overwatch.

 

Sports Puffa Anonymous meeting

Are you a member of a UKC sport’s society? Do you only feel complete whilst wearing your society puffa jacket? Do you have a full wardrobe of clothes but only wear those with you team’s name on them? We are starting a support group for people who have become addicted to their puffa jackets. If you fit any or all of the above criteria, then we would love to see you at our meetings, and we can work through this together.

Come to RS4 at 6:30 on Tuesday, the first step is always the hardest, but we believe in you.

 

Hales Place house for rent

Is your student house not sorted for next year? Fear not, as we have a house still available in Canterbury’s premier student district. Just a 20-minute walk from central campus and not far from the bus routes. Recently refurbished roof and now complete with running water! The shower is outside and only works when it is raining, and you must be comfortable with a small meth kitchen in the upstairs bathroom.

Serious inquiries only: Gary.Smith@crookedlandlords.org

 

Help Wanted: University lecturers

We have recently had many short-term employment opportunities and are in desperate need of filling them. Opportunities are available in a wide range of departments to suit any applicant. No experience required, but a rudimental knowledge of Microsoft PowerPoint is preferred.

Contact us at w.george@kent.ac.uk and you can start ASAP.

 

Black market library books for sale

Are the books you wanted from Templeman Library not available? Does Library search tell you they are on the shelves when they never are? I might know someone that knows something about that, but in the meantime, we can procure the books you are looking for. From Accounting and Finance to Marketing, we have everything that you might need. We have low, low prices and minimal stock so get in touch right now 0800-NOT-STOLEN

 

Missing: University culture

The spark is missing on campus and I know why. We have lost a university culture to make this truly feel like the top 50 university we are. If anyone has any idea where to find the culture then you can find me at my office hours at Library Café from 5-6PM or email me: AH517@kent.ac.uk

 

Wanted: Justice for Medway

We are currently conducting an ongoing investigation and are looking for help from anyone with knowledge about the crime. Medway campus have been robbed of their rights and we, in conjunction with Kent Union, are looking into who stole them and if they can be retrieved.

Call 999 if you know anything that can assist with solving this heinous crime.

 

Awful prices!

This week at Woody's we have special price increases to celebrate our new Union reps. Be sure to stop by and get a £4 pint of Carling and enjoy the horrors of Stowford Press, you won't believe what we charge.

 

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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First published in 1965, InQuire is the University of Kent student newspaper.

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