June 2021

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

It is Sunday 6th March, last night was a Summer Ball that actually went ahead, which brought the academic year to an end. Life has gone back to normal after the chaos of Coronavirus last year and life at University of Kent has become an awful lot better. Not just because we aren’t all locked indoors, but because our elected officers for 2020/2021 kept all of their promises.

The health of UKC students is better than ever before, in every meaning of the word. Physically Kent students now look like Greek sculptures, perfect physical specimens. As it turned out, the reason people weren’t going to the gym was because of the unreasonable opening hours of previous years. Not only are they physical adonises, but they are safer than ever. The friendly walking wardens were overwhelmingly successful in safeguarding students. Nobody has even heard the words “physical assault” on campus in a full year, other than in reference to what Christ Church are getting up to. Mentally, Kent students are a marvel to doctors everywhere. They have never seen people who are so well mentally adjusted, anxiety is a thing of the past, first years don’t even know what it is.

Not only are we physically fit, safe, and mentally strong- our student loans are going further than ever before. Co-op have taken an axe to their prices and now your friends who pretended they couldn’t come out because they had no money have to find a different excuse. UKC students have been able to experience the delights of caviar and lobster on a daily basis without breaking the bank. This became even easier when we were all given tuition for terms 2 and 3 of last year back, as the university recognised (after strong and persistent lobbying) that we had not received the product we had been paying for.

On top of health, Kent Union has become almost too accessible. The website is the envy of Silicon Valley, with an interface that could be operated by an alien who didn’t have any eyes without breaking a sweat. Additionally, they have never been easier to contact. The Auxilium has proved to be a brilliant addition. Initial scepticism has gone by the wayside as its effectiveness in collaboration between societies is unparalleled, frankly it made it difficult for our recently elected officers to have anything to run on.

Another key development in the last year has been the inclusion of Medway. Kent Union candidates have been talking about it for years, but the Medway question has finally been answered. Key changes, most importantly the Medway Officer (who has just been elected for the first time, congratulations Ronald!) has made us Canterbury campus fellows really get to know our Medway peers for the first time. It has led most of us to come to the conclusion that the university no longer really has multiple campuses but is just one whole. The university themselves seem to agree, talks are scheduled for the summer to discuss abolishing the separate campuses and just seeing Medway as an extension of Canterbury.

Overall, it has been a great year. We shot up the rankings after these changes made everything ok again. The main problem has been the end of campus meme pages and the InQuire satire section, because they just ran out of things to joke about. There are only so many times people could laugh at various VPs photos photoshopped onto Michelangelo’s “The Creation of Adam”.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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