First impressions- outgoing InQuire committee

Photography courtesy of Aslan Ntumba Ozer

In this time of self-isolation and remaining indoors the amount of content and number of sports teams spreading diseases has taken a notable dive. This has led to things that can be satirised being at a premium. So, to counteract this issue we are diving back into the old faithful format of first impressions to tie us over for the Easter holidays until it is no longer my sole responsibility to do this.

Therefore, given that the elections that have happened had way too many people involved for me to even begin trying to cover it, the sights have been set on the outgoing InQuire committee, of whom none are remaining in their roles, so I can freely burn bridges. So here are my first impressions of people who technically still control my involvement with the society, and I have already been threatened with being fired twice, probably not at the points you are thinking.

Editor in Chief- George Knight

George has left an indelible mark on InQuire we now have a largely cliched slogan. Perhaps the slogan “Your campus, your voice if you have a fiver spare” was slightly too wordy. But I think if you created an algorithm that took other newspaper slogans and tasked it with creating another one, it wouldn’t be too far off. The most incredible thing about it is that it was not already taken. Credit where it is due after a cursory glance at a few other student newspapers, theirs are even lazier as they just mention what university they represent, so 1-0 us. That’s got to be deserving of an SPA award.

Website Editor- Caitlin Casey

Caitlin has had the unenviable task of being in charge of me for the past year. In contrast, I have had the amusing experience of watching her slowly lower her expectations of what she wants from us website editors. During first term I was lambasted by her proxy for leaving a meeting when, as normal, nobody wanted to write for satire. At this point I just get frantic messages when I mention that I’m bringing out something potentially dicey in five minutes time. As a set of editors, I think we can take heart from having broken her down like this. This teaches us an important lesson, don’t have high expectations, because you will only get disappointed (my new children’s book is coming soon).

Newspaper Editor- Bill Bowkett

Most in InQuire would probably go after Bill for being a Tory, but as a fellow Tory that one is a non-starter. Anyone who joined InQuire this year would have their first impression of him doing a spot-on, if slightly tiresome, impression of John Bercow. I mostly want to thank Bill for letting me interview myself for his CV, I mean IQ magazine. Shame nobody wanted to read the thing.

Social Secretary- Meg Warwick

In case you weren’t aware, Meg doesn’t drink. This is not surprising because it is unusual. It is surprising because her personality is that of someone who has just taken literally everything. The first time I met her I was far from prepared, because it was fresher’s week and I’d just left a meeting for CSR and was ambushed by InQuire into discussing their society. Upon mentioning sport, I was told to speak to Meg. I say speak to it would be more accurate to categorize it as being spoken at. To cut a long story short on how it went, Lacrosse don’t like their student newspaper anymore.

Head of Design- Syan Bateman

Not sure I can really criticise Syan because now we all have email signatures, which makes the whole operation look a lot more professional than it really is. It also allows me to look down upon the peasants who try and write for us who don’t have email signatures. That feeling of superiority has really gotten me through the year.

Head of Marketing- Leonie Vidal

In the first impressions for the InQuire committee elections, I spoke about how Sabrina had some crazy ideas like “using Twitter”. Leonie is the reason we know how ridiculous that would be, as in spite of it being brought up multiple times there has been no movement on it. Why bother using Twitter when all the kinds of people we want to reach are on Facebook? People’s mums and their mum’s friend Debra are certainly our target market.

Head of Photography- Aslan Ntumba

I like to think that in alternate reality Aslan is a hot prospect at Santos who is tipped for a big money move to Real Madrid who is being compared to Pele by the Brazilian media. Instead he’s just really good at photography and I suppose that will have to do. Another one that is pretty difficult to criticize because some of the photography we have had this year has been incredible, particularly these beauties.

Images courtesy of Tahmid Morshed

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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