Generic News Report #0

A very long few weeks have passed and I feel like it is my duty to tell you the news. Things are boring and I know you are doing virtually nothing. We have had many exciting things happen since the last news report including: nothing, this is the first news report. Instead, you’ll see some quirky titbits and despair at the state of the world. With that out of the way, it’s time to get started.

Interesting titbit #1: Workers have been replaced due to COVID-19

In South Korea, a robot waiter named “Aglio Kim” is using AI to deliver food in a restaurant in Seoul. This would be fun and exciting but it means that our jobs are being replaced by robots and it’s no longer just something Luddites yell at you. On the other hand, this might be giving the powers above some ideas on how they run their “fantastic” services…

Interesting titbit #2: Frank Sinatra saves lives

When we think of Frank Sinatra, we think of a man a colourful man who had (alleged) ties to the mafia and blue eyes. But did you know that some people in Islamabad are saving elephants using his songs? Very interesting choice of music but I’d have preferred Travis Scott instead.

Interesting titbit #3: Underwear Cash

Ever wanted to ditch your wallet for something a little more personal? This Brazilian senator has the greatest trick for you! Police searched the house of Chico Rodrigues while investing the alleged misappropriation of COVID-19 funds and found cash stuffed in the underwear he was wearing.

Interesting titbit #4: John Oliver does a thing

Comedian and late-night show host John Oliver recently had a sewage plant renamed after him for some reason. This coming from the man who told a CEO to “eat shit” on live television following a lawsuit he won and also starting a church for the sake of it. Does this really need to be explained further?

Interesting titbit #5: Clowns do clownish things

The clowns who do clownish things failed to update the total number of COVID-19 cases due to an error in Excel. Ignoring the fact that something like this should’ve been at least 1000 miles away from excel, this is another catastrophic failure in the list of growing failures from them.

In conclusion, a lot of things have happened and none of you expected me to talk about actual things. Just kidding, no one is reading this. Things have changed around here; we don’t make up stuff anymore because reality is now stranger than fiction. At this rate, Satire might fall to the budget cuts for real.

P.S: The "news" here is outdated by quite a bit so I promise I'll have fresh news for you next week.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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First published in 1965, InQuire is the University of Kent student newspaper.

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