Generic News Report #1

By Tahmid Morshed

Some time has passed since the last report and I feel like it is my duty to tell you the news. Things were boring until they announced we had a vaccine and something happened in the USA. Then the boringness resumed. We have had many exciting things happen since the last news report including: an update on the Sinatra loving elephant, some pandas and birds. With that out of the way, it’s time to get started.

Interesting titbit #1: Lonely Elephant is bid farewell

Kaavan the elephant featured last week (indirectly) as an elephant who jammed along to Sinatra. But I’m here to inform you that he is being sent off to Cambodian elephant sanctuary after all this time. People have been campaigning for him to be sent to an elephant sanctuary since he was all by himself and they’ve won! No snarky comments this time, just good vibes.


Interesting titbit #2: Are pandas a symbol of protest?

A restaurant in Germany has protested the lockdown by filling it with hundred stuffed panda toys. Recent lockdown regulations in Frankfurt has meant that this business owner has put many cute pandas everywhere. However, it’s debatable whether or not if this man ordered too many from the internet or has nefarious intentions.


Interesting titbit #3: Illinois man beats up people

Ever wonder what would happen if your grandfather got robbed? Well, this man from Illinois has the answer for you. Dan Donovan chased three men from his house after they attempted to rob his house. He picked up an antique walking stick and proceeded to give the attackers a nasty headache. Guess you shouldn’t try and rob old people. Seems like a bad idea.


Interesting titbit #4: bird of the year

Birds are great. Well, most of them. In New Zealand, they love them so much they commit voter fraud over it. Okay, not quite. A competition there has been mired in corruption as allegations of voter fraud were found to be true. The candidate? A little spotted kiwi which had too many votes sent to the organisation. They promptly took it out of the running and disqualification occurred. However, the organisation has said they’ll accept the kiwi winning if it wins legitimately.


In conclusion, a lot of things have happened and once again none of you expected me to talk about actual things. Things have settled around here; we don’t make up stuff anymore because reality is now stranger than fiction. Instead we engage in something millennials call “funposting” At this rate, Satire might be cut due to other reasons than money. Or maybe not. It depends on the performance of the team.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

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