Winning on the Stock Market: A Comprehensive Guide

By Tahmid Morshed


So, I am supposed to be the “funny” person entertaining people on here while everyone else does serious stuff like real-life issues. I’m sure you are wise enough to instantly sense many problems with that statement but the important one is that I am not funny or entertaining in any way. In order to rectify this issue, I will instruct you on how to get the most value for investment when investing in stocks. I have three critical steps to doing this and winning. Okay, let’s get started with this.


Firstly, you need to have money. If you don’t have any then either get some or go away. You don’t need to read this. But if you do have money then you need to understand a few things. My stocks person, Uncle Chowdhury, said bananas are worth more than anything. He then told me a long story about how his family sold bananas by the road because of the dire poverty in the suburbs of Esher. He said to make sure you have half of your capital in bananas and your desired currency. Bananas can’t go wrong. Except when they rot but I’m sure you’re smart enough to mitigate that issue.


Next, you’ll need a platform for trading stocks on. A platform allows you buy as many FTSE, DOW and Nikkei stocks as you wish. There are big options like the ones provided by the big firms and there are small options from the ones provided by the small firms. However, I suggest Uncle Chowdhury’s Amazing Stock SiteTM v2.34 since he is very good at dealing with stocks. I should acknowledge that there are rumours about him scamming people on both sides of the Bengal, Punjab and various South Asian regions but I can assure you that 37 out of the 42 cases against him have been dropped. The other few are just waiting on some admin work to pass before they get dropped as well.


Finally, you need buy stocks. Once Uncle Chowdhury or whoever gets the money to purchase stocks for you then it becomes a buffet of choices. So far, I have invested millions* in many companies and have gotten excellent returns. Some stocks like Coca-Cola, 3M and Microsoft are seen as “blue-chip stocks” meaning they are “stable” and “rebound in bearish markets” but this is clearly fake news. You want something called “white whale” stocks which are large and hard to conquer but they offer great returns (in theory). So far, my balance sheet has been seeing red because I’ve invested in them but Uncle Chowdhury has assured me all is well. But that was 9 months ago and he hasn’t returned my emails since. Either way, all is well since a friend of a friend of a friend said he went on holiday to Chile to sit out the pandemic. He’ll be back soon.


All in all, if you want the possibility of money then invest in stocks. It’s risky but it’ll be worth it in the end. Although now that I think about it, his Trustpilot review was -5 stars but I assumed that was a glitch…


*millions of rupees but currently broke



Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.


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First published in 1965, InQuire is the University of Kent student newspaper.

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